The Disease of Yes: How Nice Women Die From the Inside Out
You said yes again, didn't you?
To the committee you don't want to be on. To the favor that'll eat your weekend. To the coffee date with the energy vampire who leaves you drained for days.
And now you're sitting in your car, jaw clenched, wondering why you can't just say no like a normal fucking person.
I'll tell you why: You've got the Disease of Yes. And it's killing you one accommodation at a time.
The Anatomy of Self-Betrayal
Let me paint you a picture of your last 24 hours:
6 AM: Partner asks if you can handle the morning routine solo. You're exhausted, but "sure, no problem."
8:30 AM: Boss adds "just one more thing" to your plate. You're drowning, but "happy to help."
Noon: Friend texts about her latest crisis. You haven't eaten, but "of course, tell me everything."
3 PM: School calls for volunteers. You have deadlines, but "I'll make it work."
6 PM: Family assumes you're cooking. You want takeout, but "what would everyone like?"
10 PM: Finally alone. Too exhausted to excavate your actual life. Scroll phone. Pass out. Repeat.
That's not a life. That's a slow-motion spiritual death.
The Good Woman's Silence Symphony
In Episode 6 of my podcast Midlife Moxie with Nicole Hate, I talked about finding your voice. But let's get specific about what's choking it:
The Five Commandments of Female Silence:
"Be Nice" - Translation: Your truth is less important than their comfort
"Don't Make Waves" - Translation: Your needs are disruptions to be minimized
"Keep the Peace" - Translation: Swallow conflict even if it poisons you
"Be Agreeable" - Translation: Your opinions are optional, theirs are mandatory
"Don't Be Difficult" - Translation: Wanting anything makes you a problem
These aren't suggestions. They're psychological prison bars, installed so early you think they're part of your skeleton.
Meet Your Excavation Team: The Throat Chakra Brigade
Your silenced voice doesn't just disappear. It turns into:
The Jaw Clencher: Grinding teeth at night because your truth has nowhere to go
The Throat Clearer: Constant ahem because words are literally stuck
The Neck Tensioner: Shoulders meeting ears from holding back screams
The Thyroid Rebel: Your body attacking itself because you won't attack the real problem
The Wine Whisperer: Needing liquid courage to say what's true
Your body is keeping score. And honey, you're losing.
The Real Cost of Chronic Yes
Let's do the math on your Disease of Yes:
Time Lost: 20+ hours/week doing shit you don't want to do
Energy Drained: Operating at 40% because everyone else got the other 60%
Dreams Deferred: "Someday" pushed back another decade
Resentment Accumulated: Enough to poison every "selfless" act Self Abandoned: Can't remember who you are without the performance
But here's the cost that'll crack you open:
Your daughter is watching. Learning. Copying.
Every time you swallow your no, she learns her voice doesn't matter. Every time you perform Nice Woman, she takes notes. Every time you betray yourself for someone else's comfort, she files it under "How to Be a Woman."
Is that the legacy you want to leave?
The Voice Excavation Field Guide
You can't just decide to "speak up more." That's like telling someone with a broken leg to "walk it off." You need tools. Sacred practices. A fucking protocol.
Week 1: The Silence Inventory
Document every self-betrayal:
Every yes that should've been no
Every agreement that was actually disagreement
Every smile that was actually a scream
Every "it's fine" that was actually "fuck this"
Don't judge. Just witness the evidence of how much you disappear daily.
Week 2: The No Training Ground
Practice on safe targets:
Telemarketers: "No thank you." click
Store clerks: "No, I'm just looking."
Spam emails: Unsubscribe without guilt
Social media: Unfollow accounts that drain you
Build your NO muscle where stakes are low.
Week 3: The Boundary Bootcamp
Level up to real life:
"I need to check my schedule" (instead of instant yes)
"That doesn't work for me" (no explanation needed)
"I'm not available for that" (period, full stop)
"No" (the advanced class)
Week 4: The Truth Telling
The final frontier:
Express ONE disagreement daily
Share ONE preference without apology
State ONE need without justification
Speak ONE truth that makes you sweat
What Happens When Nice Women Stop Being Nice
I'll tell you what happens. The same thing that happened to me:
Year 1 of Finding My Voice: Lost at least three "friends," two committees, and onemajor committment that sucked up a lot of my free time. Gained 10 hours/week, actual boundaries, and my fucking sanity.
Year 2: Family stopped assuming I'd handle everything. Started asking instead of expecting. Revolutionary.
Year 3: Attracted people who wanted the real me, not the performance. Quality over quantity. And a a new job!
Year 5: Teaching other women to excavate their voices. Building an underground railroad for recovering Nice Women.
Today: Allergic to my own bullshit. Voice fully operational. Still called "difficult" and wearing it like a crown.
The Sacred Rage of Finding Your Voice
Here's what they don't tell you about excavating your voice: You'll find rage first.
Years of accumulated NO's you never said. Decades of truth you swallowed. A lifetime of accommodations that ate you alive.
That rage? That's not something to be ashamed of. That's your voice clearing its throat. That's your truth preparing for resurrection. That's your power returning home.
Let it burn through you. Let it clear the debris. Let it crack you open so your real voice can finally breathe.
Your Voice Resurrection Ritual
Tonight, before you continue your regularly scheduled self-betrayal, do this:
Find a mirror
Look yourself in the eyes
Say out loud: "I give myself permission to disappoint others in service of my truth"
Repeat until you believe it
Tomorrow, disappoint someone with your honesty
Start small. The barista who gets your order wrong. The colleague who assumes you'll stay late. The partner who expects mind-reading.
Your voice has been in storage so long it might come out creaky. Shaky. Uncertain.
Use it anyway.
The Excavators Are Waiting
In our underground movement, we celebrate every rescued voice:
The first "no" without apology
The first boundary that holds
The first truth that terrifies you to speak
The first time you choose your comfort over theirs
We're not trying to become Professional Bitches (though if that's your calling, we support you). We're trying to become OURSELVES. Unedited. Unsilenced. Unapologetic about taking up space with our truth.
The Choice Point
Right now, reading this, you're at a crossroads:
Path 1: Close this tab. Return to your scheduled programming. Keep saying yes until there's nothing left. Die with your voice still buried in your throat.
Path 2: Pick up the fucking shovel. Start the excavation. Disappoint some people. Lose some relationships. Gain your entire self.
Your voice isn't gone. It's just been buried under everyone else's comfort.
Time to dig it out.
Time to speak the fuck up.
Time to let Nice Woman die so the real you can live.
