The Holiday Season Doesn't Require Your Sacrifice
Let me guess: you're already feeling the pressure building…
The group texts about who's hosting Thanksgiving. The "just checking" calls about your Christmas plans. The subtle (and not-so-subtle) guilt about family traditions that feel more like obligations than celebrations.
And underneath it all? That familiar knot in your stomach telling you that saying "no" to any of it makes you selfish, ungrateful, and broken.
Here's what I want you to know: your boundaries during the holidays aren't acts of violence against your family. They're acts of honoring yourself.
In this week's podcast episode, I'm breaking down why holiday boundaries feel impossible, how to actually set them (with exact phrases that work), and what to do when the pushback comes—because it will come. I'm also sharing personal stories from 24 years of setting holiday boundaries, including the year I served spaghetti and meatballs for Christmas dinner and survived to tell the tale.
But before you listen to the full episode, I want to give you three essential truths about holiday boundaries that every recovering good girl needs to hear.
Truth #1: The Guilt You're Feeling Isn't Your Conscience—It's Your Conditioning
When you even think about saying no to a family gathering, your nervous system goes into high alert. The guilt feels crushing. Physical. Like proof that you're doing something wrong.
But here's what that guilt actually is: decades of programming that taught you your worth comes from self-sacrifice.
You've been conditioned to believe that:
Disappointing people is worse than betraying yourself
Your needs matter less than everyone else's comfort
Saying no to family makes you selfish, cold, and unloving
Good women sacrifice themselves for the greater good
That guilt isn't organic. It's weaponized. And it's working exactly as designed—keeping you compliant, available, and small.
The antidote? Recognize that guilt as conditioning, not conscience. Feel it. Name it: "This is my good girl programming panicking because I'm threatening its control." And then set the boundary anyway.
Guilt is not a GPS for right and wrong. It's just an emotional hangover from years of being told your needs don't matter. The presence of guilt doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, it means you're doing something different.
Truth #2: "No" Is a Complete Sentence (Even During the Holidays)
One of the biggest mistakes women make when setting holiday boundaries is over-explaining. We think if we can just make them understand our reasoning, they'll accept our no gracefully.
They won't.
Because the problem isn't that they don't understand your boundary…it's that they don't like it.
When you over-explain, you're actually inviting negotiation. You're treating your boundary like a thesis that needs defending, when it's actually just information about your life.
Here's what boundary-setting actually sounds like:
"I'm not available for that."
"That doesn't work for me."
"I'm doing things differently this year."
"I've made other plans."
Notice what's missing? Justifications. Apologies. Alternative solutions. Room for debate.
The magic is in the period, not the question mark.
Say it calmly, warmly even, but with finality. Think of it as sharing information, not asking permission. "I won't be hosting this year" has the same energy as "I'll be wearing a red sweater"—just a fact about your life.
When the pushback comes (and it will), you repeat the same boundary in different words: "I understand you're disappointed, and I'm still not available." "I hear that you want me to change my mind, and my answer is still no."
Your boundary doesn't need their approval to be valid. It doesn't need their understanding. It doesn't even need to make sense to them. It just needs to be true for you.
Truth #3: Their Discomfort Is Not Your Emergency
The hardest part of setting holiday boundaries isn't saying the words—it's tolerating the discomfort that comes after.
Your mother might cry. Your sister might rage. Your partner might give you the silent treatment. Family members might complain to each other about how selfish you're being. Someone will definitely tell you you're "ruining" the holiday.
Let them.
Here's the truth that will set you free: You are not responsible for regulating other adults' emotional responses to your boundaries.
Your mother's disappointment is hers to manage. Your sister's anger is hers to process. Your partner's frustration is his to handle. Their inability to handle your truth is information about them, not evidence that you're doing something wrong.
When they push back, you have two choices:
Cave to their discomfort and abandon yourself (again)
Hold your boundary and let them feel their feelings
The first option provides temporary relief and permanent resentment. The second option creates temporary discomfort and permanent self-respect.
The pushback is temporary. It ends. But the self-abandonment you'd engage in by caving? That becomes your new normal. That's forever.
So when they test your boundary (and they will), you respond with the same calm clarity: "I see you're upset, and I'm still not available to host." "I understand you're angry. My decision stands." "I'm not negotiating my boundary. This conversation is over."
You're teaching them that your no means no. It will feel brutal. It is brutal. And it's necessary.
Your Moxie Is the Gift
Moxie isn't about being mean or cold. It's about being honest. It's about honoring your actual capacity instead of performing the version of yourself that makes everyone else comfortable.
Moxie is choosing authenticity over approval, even when approval feels like oxygen.
And here's what nobody tells you: when you stop performing, you create permission for others to stop too. Your sister who's been dreading hosting might finally say no after watching you survive the fallout. Your daughter might grow up knowing that her worth isn't measured by her willingness to sacrifice herself for others' comfort.
Your boundary today might be someone else's permission slip tomorrow.
Ready to Go Deeper?
In the full podcast episode, I dive into:
Why holidays weaponize tradition, guilt, and the myth of "family harmony" all at once
The specific pressures women face (hosting, emotional labor, gift-giving, peace-keeping)
The exact fears that make saying no feel impossible
How to handle specific scenarios (declining hosting, skipping events, managing family drama)
Personal stories from 24 years of holiday boundary-setting
What becomes possible when you create holidays on your own terms
Listen to the full episode here →LINK
This holiday season, I'm inviting you to do something radical: choose yourself. Not as an act of rebellion, but as an act of self-respect. Not to ruin the holidays, but to reclaim them as your own.
Your moxie is the gift. Your peace is the tradition. Your well-being is the sacred ground you're no longer willing to sacrifice.
And if that makes you dangerous? Good. The world needs more dangerous women who know their worth isn't measured by their willingness to disappear.
Ready to bury the good girl and reclaim your dangerous, unapologetic self?
I guide women through deep pattern recognition and identity reclamation using various practices.
Book a Call - Let's explore what's really keeping you stuck and whether working together is the right fit.
Or if you're not ready for that yet, join my email list where I share deeper explorations of these topics without the Instagram-friendly polish. Real transformation for women who are ready to be dangerous.
Because the world doesn't need you to be a better good girl. It needs you to be free.
This content is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're experiencing concerning symptoms, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.