The Permission You've Been Waiting For: Why Midlife Women Need Solitude
What if the thing you're calling selfish is actually essential?
I spent years eating lunch in my car. Not as a pleasant choice, but as a desperate escape from people finding me in the break room to ask questions, vent about work drama, or chat when all I wanted was thirty minutes of silence.
At first, I felt pathetic. Who hides in their car just to eat lunch in peace?
But those car lunches taught me something I didn't understand at the time: I was starving for solitude. And that starvation was information.
In Episode 28 of the podcast, I share that story—plus the story of going to a concert alone six weeks after my dad died—and why both experiences taught me that you don't need permission to want what you want. We talk about why midlife creates an urgent need for solitude, the difference between solitude and loneliness, the lies that keep women trapped in constant availability, and practical ways to claim space even in the busiest life.
Listen to the full episode here →LINK
But here's what I want to dig into on the blog today: why solitude feels so threatening to the systems built around your availability, and what that threat tells you about where your power actually lives.
Why Everyone Panics When You Want to Be Alone
Have you noticed what happens when you claim time for yourself?
The pushback is immediate. Your partner suddenly has urgent questions. Your kids have emergencies. Work has a deadline. Your mother calls. Someone needs something, and they need it right now—during the exact time you carved out for yourself.
This isn't coincidence. It's the system self-correcting.
Systems built on your availability don't just prefer your availability. They require it. Your constant presence, your endless flexibility, your willingness to interrupt yourself for everyone else—these aren't nice-to-haves. They're load-bearing walls.
When you start claiming solitude, you're not just taking time for yourself. You're threatening the entire structure.
And that's exactly why you should keep going.
The intensity of the pushback is proportional to how much the system depends on your compliance. When your need for thirty minutes alone causes a "family crisis," that's not about those thirty minutes. That's about a family system that's been built on the assumption that you don't have needs.
When your request for Saturday mornings to yourself gets met with guilt trips about being "selfish" or "abandoning the family," that's not about Saturday mornings. That's about the radical threat of you existing as a person with boundaries instead of a resource to be accessed on demand.
The pushback isn't evidence that you're doing something wrong. It's evidence that you're doing something that changes the power dynamics.
In the podcast episode, I walk you through how to work with this pushback, how to hold boundaries even when systems resist, and why that resistance is actually confirmation that you're on the right path. Listen to Episode 28 →HERE
The Question That Changes Everything
Here's the question I ask women who are struggling with guilt about wanting time alone:
What would have to be true about you for needing solitude to be reasonable?
Would you need to be more exhausted than you already are? More stressed? More overwhelmed? Would you need a doctor's note? A crisis? Permission from everyone you serve?
Or, and stay with me here, could it be enough that you simply want it?
This question exposes the double standard we've internalized. We wouldn't ask a man to justify needing time to himself. We wouldn't ask him to prove he's exhausted enough, stressed enough, worthy enough to have space. We'd just accept that humans need time alone.
But women? We've been taught that our needs require justification. That wanting something isn't enough. We have to earn it through suffering, prove it through emergency, apologize for it even as we claim it.
That's good girl conditioning in action.
The radical act isn't just claiming solitude. It's claiming it without justification. Without apology. Without earning it through exhaustion or crisis.
It's saying: "I need this" and letting that be enough.
In the episode, I share the five lies that keep women from claiming solitude—including the lie that you need to justify your needs—and how to recognize when good girl conditioning is running your decisions. Listen to the full episode →HERE
What Solitude Actually Gives You
Here's what I didn't understand when I was eating lunch in my car: I wasn't just escaping noise. I was creating space for something essential to emerge.
Clarity about what I actually wanted.
Information about what wasn't sustainable.
Permission to imagine a different way of living.
Solitude isn't just rest. It's reconnaissance.
When you're constantly available to everyone else, you never get the space to ask yourself the dangerous questions:
What do I actually want?
What would I choose if I wasn't choosing based on everyone else's needs?
What's no longer working that I've been too busy to notice?
What am I tolerating that I don't have to tolerate?
Who would I be if I stopped performing?
These questions need silence to surface. They need space where you're not managing anyone else's emotions or needs or agendas. They need solitude.
And often, what emerges in that space is information about what needs to change. Not just in your schedule, but in your life.
That's why solitude can feel threatening—not just to the systems around you, but to you. Because once you see clearly what you've been avoiding seeing, you can't unsee it. Once you know what needs to change, you're responsible for the knowing.
Solitude is where sacred exits begin.
In Episode 28, I talk about how my car lunches led directly to understanding I needed to exit corporate entirely—and how small moments of claimed solitude can reveal the bigger exits waiting to be made. Listen here →LINK
Your Invitation
So here's what I want you to consider:
What if your "selfish" desire for time alone is actually your wisest self trying to get your attention?
What if the guilt you feel about wanting solitude is just good girl conditioning panicking that you're choosing yourself?
What if the pushback you're experiencing isn't evidence that you're wrong, but evidence that you're threatening systems that require your compliance?
And what if life is too short to keep waiting for permission to want what you want?
In the full episode, I share practical strategies for claiming solitude even in the busiest life, how to handle the difficult feelings that arise when you finally get quiet, and why sometimes sacred exits begin in parking lots.
Whether you're currently eating lunch in your car, hiding in the bathroom for five minutes of peace, or taking the long way home just to have silence—this episode is for you.
Listen to Episode 28: When Solitude Stops Being Selfish →
Reflection Questions
Before you go, sit with these questions:
What small moment of solitude can you claim today?
Not tomorrow. Not when things calm down. Today.
Where in your life are you still waiting for permission?
From whom? And what would change if you stopped waiting?
What would be different if you treated your need for space as essential instead of selfish?
In your relationships? Your work? Your life?
Drop your answers in the comments—I read every one. And if this resonated, share it with another woman who needs permission to claim space for herself.
Because sometimes, the most revolutionary thing you can do is choose yourself.
Listen to the full episode:
Spotify | Website
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This content is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're experiencing concerning symptoms, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.