The Recovering Good Girl's Guide to Playing Again
How to rediscover playfulness when you've forgotten what actually delights you
You know that feeling when someone asks "What do you do for fun?" and your mind goes completely blank?
Or when you finally have a free afternoon and instead of feeling excited, you feel... anxious? Guilty? Like you should be doing something more productive?
That's what happens when you've spent decades being the reliable one, the responsible one, the one who holds it all together. Play becomes something you think about instead of something you do. It becomes something you'll get back to "someday", when the to-do list is shorter, when everyone else's needs are met, when you've earned it.
But here's what I've learned after 50 years on this planet and years of guiding women through midlife transformation: That "someday" never comes. Because the permission you're waiting for? No one's going to give it to you.
You have to give it to yourself.
In my latest podcast episode, "The Good Girl Never Played, The Dangerous Woman Does," (LISTEN HERE) I talk about why women lose their connection to play and how reclaiming it is actually training for every bigger act of freedom still to come.
But I know you need more than inspiration. You need practical, doable steps to actually start playing again - even when your nervous system thinks joy equals danger.
So let's get specific.
1. Understand Why You Can't Just "Have More Fun"
The Deeper Truth:
Most advice about play treats it like a simple choice: "Just do more of what you love!" But if it were that simple, you'd already be doing it.
The real problem? Your nervous system was trained to associate play with danger.
Think about what happened when you were playful as a girl. Maybe you were told to "settle down." "Act like a lady." "Stop being so loud." Maybe you learned that expressing joy made you "too much." That taking time for yourself was selfish. That if you weren't being useful, you weren't valuable.
So your nervous system created a protection mechanism: guilt. Every time you try to prioritize joy, guilt shows up to stop you. Not because you're broken, but because your body thinks play = risk.
Example: I have lost track of how many women have told me they have tried, yet their brains started going straight into telling her what she “should” be doing instead. And we judge ourselves so hard for this. Trust me, that primitive brain isn’t doing you any favors. Thank it for trying to keep you safe, then let those thoughts go.
What This Means:
You can't just decide to play more. You have to retrain your nervous system to recognize that joy is safe, that choosing yourself doesn't destroy everything, that you can be "useless" and still be worthy.
Action Steps:
Start with 10-minute "permission experiments" - Set a timer for 10 minutes and do something completely unproductive. Notice what guilt shows up. Don't fix it, just observe it. You're training awareness.
Name the voice - When guilt appears, say out loud: "That's my good girl conditioning talking. She's scared. But she doesn't run my life anymore." Externalizing it helps you see it's not your truth.
Track your tolerance - Notice how long you can play before guilt interrupts. Can you do 10 minutes? 20? You're building capacity like a muscle.
2. Reclaim Your "Joy Language"
The Deeper Truth:
You've been living in service mode for so long, you genuinely don't remember what delights you. You know what you're "supposed" to like. You know what's respectable, productive, or impressive. But what actually makes you feel alive? You have no idea.
This isn't memory loss. It's identity theft. You buried the parts of yourself that didn't serve others.
Example: When I ask clients "What do you love doing?" they list: reading (for self-improvement), yoga (for stress management), cooking (for their family). Notice the pattern? Everything serves a function. Nothing is pure play.
But when I ask "What did you love before age 12?" Suddenly: roller skating, making up songs, building forts, collecting rocks, staying up late reading fantasy novels. These weren't useful. They were pure joy.
What This Means:
You need to excavate your joy language - the things that delight you for no reason except they feel good.
Action Steps:
Make your "Before 12" list - Write down everything that delighted you before you learned to be good. Don't edit. Don't judge. Just list.
Circle 3 that still spark something - Not what you were "good at." What made you lose track of time? What made you feel free?
Try one this week - Not to be good at it. Not to make it productive. Just to see if that part of you is still alive. (Spoiler: she is.)
Notice what your body does - When you think about each activity, does your body lean in or pull back? Your body remembers what your brain forgot.
3. Schedule Unproductive Time Like It's Sacred
The Deeper Truth:
You don't have a time problem. You have a priorities problem disguised as a time problem.
You have time to scroll Instagram. Time to answer work emails at 9 PM. Time to do "one more load of laundry." But 20 minutes of pure, unproductive joy? That feels irresponsible.
Because here's what you actually believe (even if you'd never say it out loud): Productive time is valuable. Unproductive time is wasted.
That belief is killing your aliveness.
Example: Women who come to me are busy with careers, families, responsibilities, etc. Many insist they have "no time" for play. So I ask them to try tracking their free time for one week at a time. Here’s some of the findings: 6 hours of scrolling social media, 4 hours of "productive" Sunday tasks that could wait, 3 hours of overdelivering at work on projects no one asked for. The time is always there. It’s just missing permission from you.
What This Means:
If you don't protect time for play the same way you protect time for work, family, and obligation - it will never happen.
Action Steps:
Block "Unproductive Hour" on your calendar - Label it exactly that. Not "self-care" (too productive). Not "me time" (too vague). "UNPRODUCTIVE HOUR." Own it.
Treat it like a doctor's appointment - You wouldn't cancel on your doctor because someone needed something. Don't cancel on yourself either.
Start with once a week - Not daily (too overwhelming). Not monthly (too easy to skip). Once a week. Same day. Same time. Make it a ritual.
Tell someone - "I'm unavailable Tuesday at 7 PM because I'm playing." Say it out loud. Feel how dangerous it sounds. That's how you know it's working.
4. Make Something Terrible on Purpose
The Deeper Truth:
You've been conditioned to only do things you're good at. Things that produce results. Things that prove your competence.
But play isn't about outcome. Play is about process. And the fastest way to reconnect with process is to deliberately make something terrible.
Example: I started painting a few years ago. My first attempts were objectively bad - colors muddy, proportions off, compositions awkward. My good girl voice screamed: "Don't show anyone. You're embarrassing yourself."
What This Means:
When you give yourself permission to be bad at something, you're practicing being valuable without productivity. That's the whole point.
Action Steps:
Pick something you've never done - Watercolors. Poetry. Clay. Dance. Ukulele. Something where you have zero skill and zero expectations.
Set a "terrible goal" - "I'm going to write the world's worst haiku." "I'm going to paint the ugliest flower." When terrible is the goal, you can't fail.
Do NOT share it - Not on social media. Not with friends. This is for you only. No performance. No external validation.
Notice the relief - When you're not trying to be good, when you're just playing... notice how your body softens. That's what freedom feels like.
5. Rediscover Sound, Movement, and Sensation
The Deeper Truth:
You've been living in your head - planning, managing, problem-solving - for so long, you've lost connection to your body's joy signals.
Your body knows what delights you. It knows what feels good. But you've been overriding those signals for decades.
Play reconnects you to sensation. And sensation is the language your body uses to tell you what's true.
Example: I sang for decades - church, school, musicals. Then I moved away, got married, had kids, and for over 20 years my only singing happened in the car or shower. That creative, playful part of me went dormant.
A few years ago, I joined a women's chorus. And you know what surprised me? It wasn't just about singing. It was about remembering what my body felt like when I was expressing myself freely. The vibration in my chest. The breath moving through me. The aliveness.
That's what play gives you back - embodied aliveness.
What This Means:
You need practices that get you out of your head and into sensation.
Action Steps:
Move without purpose - Put on one song. Dance in your kitchen. Not a workout. Not choreography. Just let your body move however it wants. Flail if you want to. Be ridiculous.
Make noise - Sing in your car. Hum while you cook. Laugh out loud at something stupid. For women who've spent decades modulating their voices, noise is rebellion.
Touch something purely for pleasure - Velvet fabric. Your dog's fur. Cold water on your hands. Sun on your face. Notice the sensation. That's your body remembering joy.
Do one thing slowly - Eat a piece of chocolate and actually taste it. Take a shower and feel the water. Walk outside and notice three things. Slowness is play for an overscheduled nervous system.
6. Find Your People (Or Become Your Own First)
The Deeper Truth:
You can't stay playful around people who need you serious.
If everyone in your life is used to you being the reliable one, the responsible one, the one who holds it all together - they will resist your playfulness. Not because they're bad people, but because your change threatens their comfort.
Example: So let me ask you what’s one thing you want to do that is in community? I had a friend who enjoyed improv classes - something she was scared of yet wanted to try. Her partner’s response, "That's great, honey. When will you be home to make dinner?" Her friends? "Wow, you have time for that? I can barely keep up with laundry."
The message underneath: "Your play is cute, but don't let it disrupt your usefulness."
What This Means:
You might need to protect your playfulness from people who benefit from your seriousness. And you might need to find (or create) spaces where play is celebrated, not tolerated.
Action Steps:
Identify one person who lets you be unpolished - Someone who laughs at your weird jokes. Who doesn't need you performing. Who celebrates your messiness. Spend more time with them.
Set a "play boundary" - "I'm not available Thursday nights. That's my creative time." You don't owe an explanation. You don't need to justify it.
Join something playful - A beginner's dance class. A recreational sports league. A crafting circle. Not for networking. Not for improvement. For play.
Become your own playful person first - You don't need permission from others. Start playing alone. In secret if you have to. Eventually, you'll attract people who match that frequency.
7. Treat Play as Revolutionary Practice
The Deeper Truth:
This isn't just about "having more fun." Every act of play is training for freedom.
When you choose 15 minutes of unproductive joy without spiraling into guilt, you're teaching your nervous system: "I can prioritize myself and the world doesn't collapse."
That same nervous system skill? That's what you'll need when you:
Set a boundary that disappoints someone
Say no without over-explaining
Leave a job that's killing you
End a relationship that's suffocating you
Claim a desire that feels "too much"
Build a life that looks nothing like what you were "supposed" to want
Play is rehearsal for the sacred exits still to come.
What This Means:
Stop treating play like it's frivolous. Treat it like the revolutionary act it is.
Action Steps:
Reframe guilt as proof - When guilt shows up during play, don't obey it. Thank it for confirming you're doing something dangerous. The good girl's panic = you're on the right track.
Track your "freedom capacity" - Can you play for 10 minutes without guilt? 20? 60? You're building tolerance for choosing yourself. That's not frivolous. That's transformation.
Connect play to your bigger vision - What do you actually want for your life? More ease? More authenticity? More aliveness? Play is how you train your nervous system to handle that future.
Celebrate every choice - Every time you choose play over productivity, pause and acknowledge: "I just chose myself. That matters." Celebration anchors the new pattern.
Your Play Practice This Week
Okay, I know that's a lot. So let's make this ridiculously simple.
This week, choose ONE:
Block one "Unproductive Hour" and protect it like a doctor's appointment
Make your "Before 12" list and try one thing from it
Create something terrible on purpose - the worse, the better
Move to one song without any agenda except sensation
Touch/taste/smell something purely for pleasure
Tell one person "I'm unavailable because I'm playing"
Just one. Not all of them. Not perfectly.
One small permission you give yourself.
Because here's what I've learned: transformation doesn't happen in the big dramatic moments. It happens in the small, consistent choices to prioritize yourself when every part of you says you shouldn't.
The Truth About Play
The good girl never played. She was too busy being useful, being needed, being good.
But the dangerous woman? She remembers that her joy matters. Her delight matters. She matters, not because she's useful, but because she's alive.
Every moment of play is a vote for the woman you're becoming, the one who doesn't wait for permission, doesn't apologize for her joy, doesn't measure her worth by her usefulness.
That woman isn't frivolous.
She's free.
And freedom is exactly what the world doesn't want you to have.
So play. Not because you've earned it. Not because everything else is handled. Not because it's productive.
Play because choosing yourself - right now, for no reason at all - is the most revolutionary thing you can do.
LISTEN TO THE FULL EPISODE:
Want to go deeper? Listen to the full podcast episode where I share my personal journey with play, from my lifelong love of Barbie to rediscovering my voice through singing.
Ready to Go Deeper?
Ready to bury the good girl and reclaim your dangerous, unapologetic self? I guide women through deep pattern recognition and identity reclamation using various practices.
Book a Call - Let's explore what's really keeping you stuck and whether working together is the right fit.
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Because the world doesn't need you to be a better good girl. It needs you to be free.
This content is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're experiencing concerning symptoms, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.