The "Difficult Woman" You've Been Hiding Is Actually the Revolution Your Relationships Need
Listen to the full episode here: Episode 25: Showing Up Authentically Transforming Connections
Here's something I need you to hear: The "difficult woman" you've been so carefully suppressing? She's not the problem. She's the revolution your relationships have been waiting for.
For decades, you've been performing. You've perfected the art of being the good wife, the good mother, the good friend, the good daughter. You've learned to be harmonious, accommodating, and easy to be around. You've swallowed your real opinions, hidden your needs, and managed everyone else's feelings while completely ignoring your own.
You've become the shock absorber for everyone else's discomfort. The emotional labor coordinator. The one who makes sure everyone else is okay—even when you're falling apart inside.
But in midlife, something shifts.
The cost of that performance becomes unbearable. The exhaustion sets in. The resentment builds. Your body starts to rebel against the constant vigilance required to keep everyone else comfortable.
And a quiet, insistent voice starts to ask: Is this all there is? Is this who I really am?
That voice? That's your authentic self, and she's done waiting.
What Does "Showing Up Authentically" Actually Mean in Midlife?
Let's get specific, because "authenticity" has become one of those buzzwords that sounds great but means nothing.
Showing up authentically in midlife doesn't mean:
Having a perfectly curated "authentic self" Instagram presence
Being radically honest in ways that hurt people unnecessarily
Becoming the opposite of who you've been just to prove a point
Another self-improvement project to perfect
It actually means:
In your romantic relationship:
Saying "I need to feel like a priority, and right now, I don't" instead of silently resenting the imbalance
Expressing what you actually want in bed instead of performing enthusiasm you don't feel
Admitting "I'm not okay with this" instead of swallowing it to keep the peace
Letting your partner see the full spectrum of who you are—including angry, tired, opinionated, and inconvenient
With your family:
"I'm not hosting Thanksgiving this year" without a ten-page justification
"I don't discuss my body/choices/life with you anymore" and holding that boundary when tested
"That doesn't work for me" as a complete sentence
Letting family members be disappointed without rushing in to fix their feelings
In your friendships:
"I'm going through something and I need support" instead of performing "I'm fine"
Declining invitations without elaborate excuses or guilt
Sharing your real opinions, even when they're unpopular with the group
Recognizing when friendships have become one-sided and addressing it (or releasing it)
It's choosing honest over harmonious, even when your hands are shaking while you do it.
How Authentic Relationships Are Fundamentally Different From Performative Ones
Here's what most people don't realize: You might be surrounded by people and still profoundly alone. Because if everyone in your life only knows the performed version of you, then nobody actually knows YOU.
In Performative Relationships:
Communication is carefully edited. You monitor every word before speaking. "Is this okay to say? Will this upset them? Should I soften this?" You're performing agreement when you actually disagree. You're using a different voice and tone than feels natural.
Energy is depleting. Every interaction requires recovery time. You're exhausted from the constant self-monitoring, the mental gymnastics of anticipating reactions, the emotional labor of managing everyone's feelings.
Conflict is avoided at all costs. Issues go underground and become resentment. One person (usually you) backs down to keep the peace. You're apologizing when you're not wrong just to end the tension.
Boundaries are unclear or nonexistent. Other people's needs always come first. You accommodate even when it hurts you. You hint at needs but never directly state them.
Time together feels obligatory. You're watching the clock, wanting to leave. You're going through the motions. There's resentment about time "wasted" on maintaining these connections.
In Authentic Relationships:
Communication is direct and clear. You say what you mean without excessive softening. You're comfortable with disagreement. Your actual voice and energy come through.
Energy is sustainable. You can be fully present without depleting yourself. Interactions don't require recovery time. You're giving from fullness, not emptiness.
Conflict gets addressed. Both people can disagree and still stay connected. Issues are worked through, not just smoothed over. Repair happens after rupture.
Boundaries are clear and maintained. Your needs matter as much as others'. You can say no without elaborate justification. Boundaries feel like self-respect, not selfishness.
Time together is chosen, not obligatory. You're fully engaged when present. You choose to show up because you want to. The connection nourishes instead of depletes.
The litmus test is simple: In this relationship, can you share something you're struggling with without performing strength? Can you disagree without fear of abandonment? Can you say no without elaborate justification? Can you be tired, messy, uncertain, or "too much"?
If the answer is mostly no, that's a performative relationship. And it's costing you more than you realize.
The Real Barriers That Keep You Trapped in Performance Mode
If authenticity is so great, why is it so hard? Because the barriers are real, and they've been reinforced for decades.
1. Fear of Abandonment
You learned early that your compliance was the price of connection. The internal script runs automatically: "If I'm difficult, I'll be alone." And that fear feels life-threatening—because for many women, it was. Being cast out, being "too much," being unlovable weren't just fears. They were real consequences for stepping out of line.
2. Guilt Programming
You've been trained to feel responsible for everyone's feelings. Setting a boundary that makes someone else uncomfortable triggers a tidal wave of guilt. "I hurt their feelings." "I'm being mean." "I should just go along with it." You've learned to equate "selfish" with "bad person," and choosing yourself feels like a moral failing.
3. The Identity Crisis
If you're not the helper, the fixer, the easy one—who are you? You've built your entire sense of self around being needed, being useful, being the one who makes everything okay. Without that role, you feel lost and disoriented. "If I'm not taking care of everyone else, what's my value? What's my purpose?"
4. Economic and Practical Realities
For some women, authenticity isn't just emotionally risky—it's practically dangerous. If you're financially dependent on someone who benefits from your compliance, if your housing or healthcare or children's wellbeing depends on keeping the peace, then authenticity can feel like a luxury you literally can't afford.
5. Past Punishment for Honesty
You have real experiences where being honest led to being called difficult, dramatic, or crazy. Where relationships ended. Where you were ostracized or criticized. Your nervous system remembers: "Last time I was real, I got hurt. Not again."
6. You've Lost Touch With What's Authentic
After years of performing, you've lost touch with what you actually feel versus what you should feel. You don't trust your own reactions. You second-guess your needs. You can't tell the difference between your voice and your conditioning.
Here's the meta-barrier that holds all the others in place: the belief that these protective strategies are who you are. They're not. Performance protected you when authenticity would have been punished. The problem is when those protective strategies become prisons.
What Moxie Looks Like in Midlife Relationships
Moxie isn't about being loud or aggressive. It's not about picking fights or steamrolling over other people's needs.
Moxie in relationships is the courage to be real when it's uncomfortable, the backbone to hold your ground when pressured, and the willingness to risk disapproval for the sake of genuine connection.
Moxie in Romantic Relationships:
Saying "I want this" without softening it with apologies
Expressing desire (or lack of it) without performing
Disagreeing without backing down just to keep the peace
Asking for what you need sexually, emotionally, practically
Walking away from conversations that disrespect you
It sounds like: "I'm not okay with this arrangement anymore" or "No, I'm not letting this go. It matters."
Moxie in Family Relationships:
Declining to host or attend without elaborate justifications
Having your own opinion even when it's unpopular
Refusing to be the family therapist/mediator/peacekeeper
Setting boundaries and holding them when tested
Letting people be disappointed without fixing it
It sounds like: "I've decided not to do that this year" or "You're upset, and I understand. I'm still not changing my mind."
Moxie in Friendships:
Speaking up when something bothers you instead of ghosting
Sharing your real struggles, not the Instagram version
Saying no to invitations without guilt-spiraling
Calling out behavior that crosses your boundaries
Ending friendships that drain you
It sounds like: "When you said that, it really bothered me. Here's why" or "I'm struggling and I need support, not advice right now."
At first, moxie feels scary, guilty, and awkward. You'll feel the adrenaline spike. You'll want to take it back, to smooth things over.
But over time, it starts to feel liberating, powerful, and clarifying. You realize the world doesn't end when you state a need. You discover that the right people don't leave—they lean in. And you learn that the discomfort of authenticity is far more sustainable than the exhaustion of performance.
The Honest Truth About Risks and Rewards
Let's be brutally honest, because pretending this is all sunshine and liberation is spiritual bypassing bullshit.
The Risks Are Real:
Some relationships will end. People who were connected to the performed version of you won't recognize (or like) the real you. Your sister might stop calling. Friends might drift away. Your partner might say "you've changed" like it's an accusation.
You'll be called selfish. A lot. People invested in your compliance will weaponize guilt. "You've become so selfish lately." "I don't even know who you are anymore." "You used to be so sweet."
The guilt will be intense at first. Your nervous system has been trained to feel responsible for everyone's feelings. Every boundary will trigger guilt. You'll lie awake replaying conversations, questioning if you're being "too harsh."
You might face real economic consequences. Some women face genuine financial risks. The practical stakes can be high, and idealism doesn't pay bills.
The loneliness can be profound. The space between letting go of old connections and building new ones is isolating. You'll have moments of wondering if you made a mistake.
But The Rewards Are Why Women Still Choose This Path:
You get your energy back. Performance is exhausting. When you stop managing everyone's emotions, you have capacity for your own life. The chronic depletion lifts.
Real intimacy becomes possible. You can't be truly known if you're always performing. Authentic vulnerability creates actual closeness. Connection based on truth is more satisfying than anything you've experienced before.
Resentment dissolves. When you stop saying yes when you mean no, the silent fury evaporates. You can actually enjoy relationships again instead of keeping score.
You discover who you actually are. Underneath all the performance is a person you haven't met yet. You get to explore your actual preferences, opinions, desires. You reclaim parts of yourself you buried decades ago.
You attract different people. Authenticity acts as a filter. People who value realness are drawn to you. You build connections based on who you ARE, not what you do for others.
You get to respect yourself again. Self-abandonment breeds self-contempt. When you honor yourself, self-respect returns. You look in the mirror and like who you see.
Life becomes yours. You're no longer living someone else's script. Your time, energy, and choices belong to you. You create a life that actually fits who you are.
The question isn't "Is it risky to drop the mask?"
The question is: "What's the cost of keeping it on for the rest of your life?"
Practical Strategies to Transition From People-Pleasing to Authentic Connection
This transformation doesn't happen with one grand gesture. It happens through small, consistent practices that build your authenticity muscle over time. Here are a few others not mentioned on the episode.
1. Use the Body Wisdom Check-In
Your body knows before your mind rationalizes. When facing a decision, ask:
"When I imagine saying YES to this, how does my body feel?"
Scan from head to toe
Notice expansion or contraction
Notice lightness or heaviness
"When I imagine saying NO to this, how does my body feel?"
Your body will tell you:
YES feels like: opening, lightness, energy, curiosity, warmth
NO feels like: tension, heaviness, dread, closing, resistance
The caveat: Sometimes NO feels like guilt/fear in the short term but relief in the long term. That's the people-pleasing pattern resisting. Look past the immediate guilt to the deeper truth.
2. Build Your "No" Muscle
Intentionally say NO to small things every day for a week:
"No thanks" to the receipt at the store
"No" to the upsell at the restaurant
"No" to the email subscription
"No" to small favors that don't matter
Why this works: You're training your nervous system that you can say no, nothing terrible happens, the world keeps spinning, and you survive the discomfort.
Then gradually increase:
Week 1: No to strangers/businesses
Week 2: No to acquaintances
Week 3: No to friends (small things)
Week 4: No to family (small things)
Why This All Comes Together in Midlife
This isn't a separate topic from the broader midlife transformation—it's the heart of it.
You can't reclaim yourself in secret while performing in relationships.
You can't set boundaries theoretically without enforcing them in connection.
Authenticity only exists in relationship.
Reclaiming yourself, setting boundaries, and showing up authentically aren't three separate projects. They're one revolution happening in real time, in real relationships, with real consequences.
The Midlife Convergence:
You've got data. You've been performing for decades. You KNOW what it costs. The evidence is irrefutable.
Time feels finite. You're aware you don't have forever. The "someday I'll..." loses its appeal. It's now or never.
Biological shifts support you. Perimenopause and menopause literally change your brain chemistry. The people-pleasing instinct weakens. The tolerance for bullshit plummets. Your body is physiologically supporting your liberation.
Roles are transitioning. Kids growing up, aging parents, career shifts—the roles that defined you are changing anyway. This creates space to ask: "Who am I without these roles?"
You have accumulated wisdom. You've lived long enough to know what matters and what doesn't. You've seen what happens when people ignore themselves for too long. You've watched others have regrets.
The urgency is real. There's a visceral knowing: "If not now, when? If I don't do this now, will I ever?"
Midlife isn't when you suddenly get interested in authenticity. Midlife is when you can't afford NOT to be authentic anymore.
The Question That Changes Everything
The broader midlife theme is this: "Who am I when I stop being what everyone else needs me to be?"
And the answer only emerges in the practice of showing up authentically in your actual relationships, with actual boundaries, while actively reclaiming yourself.
This is how you build a second half of life that is truly yours.
This is how you come home to yourself.
And it starts with one honest moment. Today. Right now. With the next person who asks something of you.
Your Turn: Start Small, Start Now
You don't have to overhaul every relationship overnight. You don't need to have the big confrontation or make the grand gesture.
You just need to choose one small practice from this article and try it this week:
Practice the pause when someone asks something of you
Use the Friendship Test before you automatically say yes
Reframe one "selfish" thought as "self-honoring"
Check in with your body before making a decision
Say "not right now" instead of automatic yes
Pick one. Just one.
And notice what happens.
Because transformation isn't one big moment. It's a thousand small choices to show up as yourself instead of performing what you think others need.
And every time you choose yourself, you're creating a new pathway. You're building the muscle. You're becoming the woman you've been suppressing.
The "difficult woman"? She's not the problem.
She's the revolution.
And your relationships—the real ones, the ones that matter—have been waiting for her.
Listen to the Full Episode
Ready to dive deeper? Listen to Episode 25 of Midlife Moxie with Nicole Hate podcast where I share even more stories, strategies, and the messy truth about transforming relationships through authenticity.
[LISTEN NOW →]
Let's Continue the Conversation
What resonated most with you in this post? What's your biggest barrier to showing up authentically? Drop a comment below—I read and respond to every one.
And if this post helped you, please share it with another woman who needs permission to stop performing and start living.
Ready to bury the good girl and reclaim your dangerous, unapologetic self?
I guide women through deep pattern recognition and identity reclamation using various practices.
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This content is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're experiencing concerning symptoms, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.