Who's Sitting at Your Midlife Table? (And Do They Still Belong There?)
There's a question I've been sitting with lately, and I'm guessing you might be wrestling with it too…Who gets intimate access to my life anymore?
There's a question I've been sitting with lately, and I'm guessing you might be wrestling with it too:
Who gets intimate access to my life anymore?
Not who you're polite to at the grocery store. Not who you wave at across the parking lot. But who gets the real you…your time, your energy, your vulnerability, your truth?
If you're anything like me, you've spent decades building relationships based on who you thought you were supposed to be. The good daughter who always shows up. The supportive friend who never says no. The accommodating colleague who makes everything work. The selfless mother who puts everyone else first.
And then midlife hits.
And something fundamental shifts.
When the Performance Becomes Unbearable
Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's wisdom. Maybe it's just that you've finally run out of the energy required to pretend.
Whatever it is, you suddenly cannot maintain all those performances anymore. The roles that organized your identity for decades start dissolving. Your kids grow up. Your parents need care instead of giving it. Your career plateaus or ends or reveals itself as unfulfilling.
And you're left with a terrifying question: Who am I without these roles?
Followed immediately by an even more profound one: Who are we without them?
Because here's what you're realizing: So many of your relationships were built around those roles, not around authentic connection. When the role changes, the relationship often has no foundation left.
The Table Metaphor That Changed Everything
I want you to picture something with me.
Imagine a table. Your table. It's not a huge banquet hall where everyone's invited. It's intimate, maybe six or eight seats at most.
This is the table of your one precious life. The people sitting here have ongoing access to your energy, your heart, your time. They witness your authentic self. They are your inner circle.
Now ask yourself: Who is sitting at your table right now?
And more importantly: Do they still belong there?
I know. That question feels mean. It feels judgmental, cold, deeply selfish. Good girl conditioning screams that you should be grateful for every person in your life, that you should hold onto every connection, that ending a relationship is a personal failure.
But here's what I'm learning: Re-evaluating who gets a seat at your table isn't cruel. It's sacred stewardship of your one precious life.
Your Body Knows Before Your Mind Does
Before you can rationally explain why a relationship isn't working, your body is already telling you the truth.
You feel exhausted after spending time with certain people, not the good tired that comes from deep connection, but a drained, hollow emptiness. Your shoulders tense when their name appears on your phone. You get a knot in your stomach before you see them. You need recovery time after even simple interactions.
Your nervous system is trying to protect you. Listen to it.
Then there are the other signs:
The Performance Tax: These relationships require you to shrink, edit, or perform. You rehearse conversations beforehand to avoid "setting them off." You downplay your good news because they can't celebrate you. If you're performing a version of yourself to maintain the relationship, that's not connection. That's compliance.
The Broken Energy Equation: You're always the one initiating, planning, maintaining. They only reach out when they need something. Your struggles get minimized while theirs dominate every conversation. When you're the only one rowing the boat, you're not in a relationship—you're in a one-person performance.
The Aftermath Feeling: How do you feel after spending time with them? A healthy relationship leaves you feeling energized, seen, more yourself. An unhealthy one leaves you depleted, confused, guilty, small.
Here's the question that cuts through all the noise: When you imagine your life without this relationship, what's the first feeling that comes up?
If the honest answer is relief... that's all the information you need.
Boundaries vs. Endings: The Hard Discernment
Not every difficult relationship needs to end. Some just need stronger boundaries.
So how do you tell the difference?
Boundaries can work when:
There's genuine care beneath the dysfunction
The other person is willing to try to change
There's reciprocity in the relationship
The foundation is worth protecting
Ending becomes necessary when:
There's malice or intentional harm
They're actively unwilling to change
The relationship requires you to abandon your authentic self
You've been trying to make boundaries work for years with no lasting change
If you've been trying for years with no change, you already know the answer. The question isn't "Should I end this?" The question is: "What's keeping me from honoring what I already know?"
Usually it's guilt, obligation, or the fear of being "the bad guy."
The Guilt Is Real (And It's Not Your Fault)
Of course, the moment you consider creating distance, an avalanche of guilt comes crashing down.
That crushing weight in your chest. The voice that says you're selfish, ungrateful, a bad person. That's real. That guilt is powerful.
And that guilt is designed to keep you compliant.
Good girl conditioning built that guilt response like a security system. Every time you consider choosing yourself over someone else's expectations, the alarm goes off.
The guilt isn't proof you're doing something wrong. It's proof the conditioning is working exactly as designed.
Here's the reframe you might need:
You're not abandoning them. You're choosing yourself.
You're not being cruel. You're being honest.
You're not being selfish. You're practicing self-preservation.
You're not failing. You're finally being realistic.
Sometimes love isn't enough. You can love someone and still need to end the relationship. You can have compassion for their pain and still choose distance from their patterns.
The guilt will be most intense right after you create distance. It will feel unbearable. And then, slowly, it will ease. It has a half-life.
You're allowed to feel guilty and still maintain the boundary.
Creating Space for What's Meant for You
Here's the uncomfortable truth: Creating space for new relationships while releasing old ones doesn't happen simultaneously.
There's a gap. An emptiness. A period where you've let go of what wasn't working but haven't yet found what does.
This in-between space is where most people panic and rush back to old relationships or grab onto new ones that replicate the old patterns.
But you cannot add new water to a cup that's already full.
The clearing comes first.
The most important relationship you're creating in this space is with yourself. Because the relationship you have with yourself sets the template for what you'll accept from others.
If you're critical of yourself, you'll tolerate criticism from others.
If you abandon yourself, you'll accept abandonment from others.
If you don't know who you are, you'll shapeshift for anyone who shows interest.
Eventually, you'll start noticing different kinds of people showing up. Aligned relationships feel easy—not effortless, but not exhausting. They feel safe, reciprocal, nourishing.
You'll know you're ready when:
You're no longer desperately lonely
You can spot red flags and actually care about them
You're not trying to force connection with everyone you meet
You trust your judgment about who feels safe
What I'm Learning
I've had to do this work myself. Multiple times.
When social media became a big part of our lives, I reconnected with friends from high school. It was fun at first. But over time, as I started speaking more about my values, some of those connections frayed. I got unfollowed. It hurt, but it also clarified who was willing to know me as I am now, not just as I was then.
I've also had many wonderful work friendships over my various careers. But I remain in close communication with very few of those people. I used to think that was my fault. But I've realized that most of those friendships were based on the context of our work together. When the context dissolved, so did the deep connection. And that doesn't diminish what it was.
What I'm learning through all of this is that relationships have seasons. Some are meant for specific chapters of your life. Some are meant to evolve with you. Some are meant to end when the circumstances that created them end.
The good girl in me wants to hold onto every connection forever. But the woman I'm becoming understands: Letting relationships change or end isn't a failure. It's honesty.
Your Table, Your Choice
The people who are meant to stay are the ones who grow with you. They adapt as you change. They want to know who you're becoming, not just who you were.
Those are the ones who earn a seat at your midlife table.
This work isn't about being exclusive or superior. It's about being intentional. It's about honoring the truth that your energy is finite and your life is precious.
You're not abandoning anyone.
You're finally refusing to abandon yourself.
That's not selfish.
That's sacred.
Listen to the Full Episode
Want to go deeper into this work? In Episode 27 of the podcast, I explore:
Why midlife specifically demands this sacred stewardship
The specific signs that a relationship no longer serves you
How to handle the crushing guilt with practical tools
What moxie looks like (and how it's different from being cold or harsh)
The transition period and how to create space for aligned relationships
Listen on Spotify or HERE.
This is tender, necessary work. And you don't have to do it alone.
What's coming up for you as you read this? Who's at your table right now? I'd love to hear your reflections.
Ready to bury the good girl and reclaim your dangerous, unapologetic self?
I guide women through deep pattern recognition and identity reclamation using various practices.
Book a Call - Let's explore what's really keeping you stuck and whether working together is the right fit.
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Because the world doesn't need you to be a better good girl. It needs you to be free.
This content is for educational purposes and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you're experiencing concerning symptoms, please consult with a qualified mental health professional.